just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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