The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
