she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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