MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
