Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
