its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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