everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
