If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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