May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
