in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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