today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
you had me at cake vodka
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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