my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
