Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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