Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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