just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Couch. On fire.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
