Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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