i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
