i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
