I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
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