I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
