Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
