So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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