...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
