why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
