I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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