I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You took a bar mat shot.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
