'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
