totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
