i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
