So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
where are you?
Hypothermia
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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