I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
