he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
