this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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