he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
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I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
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I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...