i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
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I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.