if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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