When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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