do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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