Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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