i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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