Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
