Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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