You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
