Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
