so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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