dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
