I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
