the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
