I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
