It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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