i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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