You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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