Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
