yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
