i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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