And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
