I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
