Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
