what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You pole danced in your parka.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
