captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
