Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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